February 07, 2006
If we couldn't laugh, we would all go insane. ~ Jimmy Buffet, "Changes In Latitudes, Changes In Attitudes"
What else can one possibly have to add, except please raise your hand if you also think that if they're not going to investigate why the Super Bowl appeared rigged, it was, if nothing else, one of the most poorly officiated games we have ever witnessed. Is just the semblance of propriety too much to ask for these days?
November 22, 2005
Wizards of Winter
[Religion] tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because generally they are the same people. ~ G. K. Chesterton
I had not seen this before. I bet it's a joy living across the street from them around the holidays.
October 31, 2005
The Great Old Pumpkin
I committed everything I knew to memory, burned all my papers, and embroidered my most unfathomable and precious secrets in near-invisible thread on my security blanket, which as you can see, I carry still. ~ John Aegard
The Great Old Pumpkin, by John Aegard is a Strange Horizons gem that must be read on this of all days. I prefer reading it before reading the conclusion of Snuff and Gray's adventures in Lonesome October (which, I bet NONE of you lot bothered to pick up).
You must know, Doctor, that I did not choose to seek psychiatric help. I have no faith that I shall exit this room a healed man; I know now that I have been destined for the asylum since childhood. No mere conversation with you can steer me clear of that fate. That said, let us proceed with this court-compelled farce before my mad prattle provokes your crabbiness further.
As you are no doubt aware, I am the issue of solid Dutch stock—the prosperous Van Pelt family of St. Paul. Mine was a comfortable and happy childhood, and I spent much of it in the devoted service of the Great Old Pumpkin. For him, I cultivated an annual pumpkin patch—mostly Autumn Gold and Big Max, as I thought he would find the Atlantic Giants tacky. I also evangelized him in the community, relating the tale of how, every year on Hallowmas Eve, the day when the spiritual most strongly encroaches on the substantial, this mightiest of gourds would rise to revel across the world with the most sincere of his adorers. My neighbors were understandably skeptical; after all, not once had this superbeing ever chosen to grace my pumpkin patch or any other place in our town. I vowed that I would coax him into my backyard, and I set out in the manner of a learned man to discover how I might do this.
October 18, 2005
Wholesome Halloween Bondage
You wouldn't believe
On All Hallow Eve
What lots of fun we can make,
With apples to bob,
And nuts on the hob,
And a ring-and-thimble cake.
~ Carolyn Wells
Oh my. Am I wrong to find this slightly kinky? Apples to bob and nuts on the hob, indeed.
Props to Good Shit
October 16, 2005
I Am River Tam (Barely)
He looks better in red. ~ Summer Glau as River Tam (via Jose Molina)
Okay, so I accept that you can't fight the signal, but it does disturb me that it took a tie-breaker question to decide if I was River or The Operative. Eeep.
Which Serenity character are you?
created with QuizFarm.com
You scored as River Tam. The Fugitive. You are clever and dangerous, which is a nasty combination. The fact you are crazy too just adds to your charm. They did bad things to you, but you know their secrets. They will regret how they made you.
September 10, 2005
Pearls Before Swine
For truth is precious and divine, too rich a pearl for carnal swine. ~ Samuel Butler
August 27, 2005
Who Are Those Guys?
Voice comes to you through a spell, a trance. The best voices are not you, they're a little away from you. ~ Barry Hannah
You know their voices, but hearing them speak while looking at them feels oddly creepy.
An oldie but a goodie.
July 01, 2005
Cheesy Retro Must-Have But No-Longer Funnies
Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he isn't. A sense of humor was provided to console him for what he is. ~ Horace Walpole
Yesterday while chatting with a friend, I realized I didn't have the DuckJob audio file anywhere on my current computer. It didn't seem possible.
If you have been on the net for a certain length of time, there are some files that you just have. You've had them forever. You're not even sure where you got them and the jokes wore out and/or stopped being funny years ago. But you have them. You keep them. They're as built-in as Solitaire and Minesweeper. They've been taking up space on your hard drive with old porn since back when using up those 15 mb actually meant sacrifice.
DuckJob, the exploding whale, 32 doh's, the stupid "ugachunga" dancing baby, that alien cartoon singing "I Will Survive" and a mess of Simpsons / Bugs / Star Wars / Star Trek / Ferris/ Ghostbusters / X-Files / Real Genius audio clips.
It turns out that moving new computers is something like moving in real life, at least for me. You look at things carefully and think "Do I *really* need this stuff? Is it worth the transfer hassle? And you chuck was doesn't make sense to carry. At some point cheesy retro silly audio clips didn't make the cut on my computers, although I have no memory of actually deleting these icons of funny weird and funny ha-ha.
So last night, I found THIS PLACE which has allowed me to refresh my supply. The quality sucks on a few, but that's not the point. Hell, I'll probably never listen to this stuff again anyway. It's a bizarre, unexplainable feeling of just needing them for historical context. Like keeping the tassel from your graduation cap on your car rear view mirror, or the Molly Hatchet album cover with all the razor blade cuts on it (damn seeds).
It even has my favorite Simpsons quote (Groundskeeper Willy teaching French). Although it is missing The STTNG Geordie TechnoBabble fused with Bill Murray's Ghostbusters "Just tell me what the hell is going on" line. If anyone finds that, please lemme know.
And yes *sigh* I'm aware my cool meter just dropped below freezing.
June 29, 2005
Nobody Changes Anyone Else's Mind...
Today's public figures can no longer write their own speeches or books, and there is some evidence that they can't read them either. ~ Gore Vidal
Where's Jon Stewart when you need him?
June 25, 2005
5 By 5
Willow: Don't worry, we're sure to spot Faith first. She's like this cleavagey slutbomb walking around going, "Ooh, check me out, I'm wicked cool, I'm five by five..."
Tara: Five what by five what? What does that mean?
Willow: See, that's the thing. No one knows.
~ Alyson Hannigan and Amber Benson (via Douglas Petrie)
5 Things You Feel Right Now
1. Chocolate cravings;
2. Guilt over blogging instead of working on projects;
3. The weight of my hair on my scalp;
4. Faint titillation hangover from a recent fantasy;
5. A strange combination of panic and excitement for no specific reason.
Last 5 Things You Bought
1. Pictures of Naked Women (subscription renewed)
2. Jar Pop (Cool Tools recommended)
3. Soapy Soles Elite 3 in 1 Foot Washer (it looks like a fun addition to any pedicure)
4. Tamarind Candy
5. MOM CDs
5 Objects of Lust
5 Things In Your Pockets Or Purse
1. Pilot Easy-Touch Medium Point Pens
2. Mini Maglite
3. My Notary stamp
4. Burt's Bees Lip Balm
5. Many, many scrunchies
5 Things You Collect
1. Vintage Playboys
3. Any and all things Henslee
5. Cute Shoes
5 True Statements You Can Make That Most People Can't
1. I survived being at or damn near ground zero during two different hurricanes.
2. My mother went into false labor while she was pregnant with me because of a close football game.
3. I spent more time at Walt Disney World than at my parents' house during many years of my childhood.
4. I can often quote from movies and television shows with bizarre accuracy, even after just a single viewing.
5. I remember most of my dreams after each sleep cycle and tend to have at least one or two explicit dream sequences per cycle.
June 12, 2005
Anti-Gay Phone Companies Caught On Tape
Prejudices, it is well known, are most difficult to eradicate from the heart whose soil has never been loosened or fertilized by education; they grow there, firm as weeds among stones. ~ Charlotte Brontë
Those of you who haven't encountered these Eugene Mirman "Show and Tell" recorded treasures yet are in for a hefty guffaw.
The recordings involve calls placed to Eugene by United American Technologies -- a phone company that claims ATT, MCI, etc are promoting the gay lifestyle, marketing child porn, and raping baby pandas. Okay, maybe not that last part. Their proposed solution is to sign up with their long distance plan where 10% of the revenue goes to ministries out to defeat the gay agenda (although there is some debate about where the money goes).
It would be interesting to get a copy of the actual script the salespeople are ad libbing from, because I'm confident the original script covered the company's ass regarding liable/slander. Their representatives, however are making some wildly inflammatory statements.
I'm torn. On the one side, I'm disgusted at a phone scheme out to bilk faithful Christians out of money and siphon it to whatever cause of the week feeds this company's goals.
On the other hand, if the people being targeted for solicitation weren't prejudiced fundies and thus easily swayed toward handing over their cash to sate their personal hatreds, they wouldn't be exploited in the first place.
I guess my bottom line is, I think it's a shame, but there are A LOT of other issues on my list that I'd like to see remedied before protecting fundamentalist hate mongers from being pick pocketed by a telemarketing scam.
June 03, 2005
The Art of One Hand Driving
Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves. ~ Albert Einstein
I love this bumpersticker:
If my callers are any sort of yard stick, they're definately having the phone sex.
And they're on the dope.
May 23, 2005
Wherever they burn books they will also, in the end, burn human beings. ~ Heinrich Heine
I was tagged. So, here it is.
1) What is the total number of books I've owned?
Before 1992 when I was still in college nerd girl mode, I had my books indexed on note cards (then transfered to AppleIIe and then to my first PC) mostly because research pre-web required me to have my own personal library. On August 20th, 1992 I had just purchased books number 1029 and 1030 (Stephen King's Four Past Midnight and Needful Things). Both books had already been out for a while, but I hadn't gotten to them yet. Among the other 1028 were novels of all genres, nearly every textbook I'd ever been issued, three sets of encyclopedias (1971, 1980, 1989), some rather expensive hard-to-get reference books I'd picked up on the cheap from library auctions, and one beautiful 1847 first edition of Henry Longfellow's Evangeline which had been given to me as a special gift when I graduated from High School. The entire collection was wiped out by a mighty wind. I probably have in the 300 - 500 range now but I don't keep track because a) I'm not that anal anymore and b) I figure it would be hubris and bad karma to do so again.
2) What is the last book I bought?
Last book I bought:
Assassination Vacation - Sarah Vowell (for my Dad)
Last book I bought for me:
American Gods - Neil Gaiman
3) What is the last book I've read?
The First Time I Got Paid For It - Peter Lefcourt & Laura J. Shapiro (eds)
4) What are the 5 books that have meant a lot to me?
I can't do 5. I can scrimp by on 12; listed biographically:
Little Women - Louisa May Alcott
Nancy Drew and the Mystery of the Brass Bound Trunk - Carolyn Keene*
Curtain - Agatha Christie
My Secret Garden - Nancy Friday
To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee
It - Stephen King
Thieves' World, Book 1 - Various
Hamlet - William Shakespeare
Night in the Lonesome October - Roger Zelazny
Animal Dreams - Barbara Kingsolver
The Norton Book of Science Fiction - by Ursula K. Le Guin, Brian Attebery (Eds)
Down and Out in the Magic Kingdom - Cory Doctrow
Extra credit question, 'What book would you wish to buy next':
The Gutenberg Bible,
or, better yet,
Geoffrey Chaucer's Canterbury Tales, first edition.
Although I'd much prefer to get one of them as a gift than to buy one myself.
TAG! You're all it!
May 20, 2005
My Kind of Mood Icons
I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity for everyone, but they've always worked for me. ~ Hunter S. Thompson
Today I'm feeling:
I've never done this before:
And I'm not sure I have the calves for it.
(Props to Good Shit)
They Got Me With Chewbroccoli
May the farm be with you! ~ Store Wars
Okay, I'm sorry for the Star Wars double post, but this is utterly too hilarious not to share.
I'm neither an organic rebel, nor a Star Wars freak, but you know when new age propaganda is this entertaining, it's hard not to like it.
May 18, 2005
Help Me, Obi-Wan
I don't know where you get your delusions, laser brain. ~ The Empire Strikes Back
Princess Leia??? Princess Leia? Fuck this. I am so not Leia.
I blame you, Karl.
Ha! Take #2. This is much better:
April 13, 2005
You Say It's Your Birthday? It's My Birthday, Too
A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age. ~ Robert Frost
The soothsayers opine on my big day:
April 13, 2005
Don't let a momentary distraction pull your attention away from what's really important to you. Not that you can't give anyone or anything new a quick glance -- you wouldn't be you if you didn't. Just keep your eye on the ball.
April 13, 2005
Take some time to do whatever is necessary to make yourself and others comfortable with the coming changes. Others may mean well today, but sometimes they promise more than they are able to deliver. Do not expect everyone to follow through on their promises. Stop searching for what you think you don't have, Aries.
ARIES - 04/13/05
This is another fine day for affectionate ties to grow stronger. Your high energy must be directed into productive goals, or frustrations will occur. Your hypnotic eyes will capture the hearts of those who interest you.
Your Birthday Horoscope for 04/13
If you are born on April 13th, then you know that you are a motivator, one able to get things moving, and you are often credited as doing so with grace and charm. The ruling planet for this birthday is Uranus which adds a dash of eccentricity to your generally tenacious demeanor. You continually unearth new approaches to that which most others pursue in traditional ways. As a mate you are well-balanced, if hesitant to show vulnerabilities. You give and receive about the same, although your habit to only see the good in those you love can be an exploitive loophole in your customarily well-secured defenses. Your mate must be a person possessed of patience and the desire to see through your hard and highly polished outer shell; they must connect with what is special about you. While they will find it easy to take shelter in your acceptance and forgiveness, they must also be disciplined enough to not take advantage of your generous nature.
Be on the watch today and remind yourself that confusion can only take place if you're too stubborn or embarrassed to ask for clarification.
Wednesday, 13th April 2005
Everything, these days, comes with a health warning. Even chocolate bars have to alert us to the slight risk of 'contamination' from nuts. Weirdly, though, there are no signs or signals reminding us that it can be hazardous to cross the road. Nor do tax demands come with letters advising us that financial anxiety can be stressful and may be bad for us. The big issue in your life now contains a real hidden danger. But be aware... and you'll be fine.
April 05, 2005
There never was a democracy that did not commit suicide. ~ Samuel Adams
I love "World of Knives."
March 09, 2005
But We're Not Prepared For Company
I kind of like it the way it is -- submarine shape. ~ Richard Starkey
Brings a whole new meaning to the elephant in the living room.
Sins, like chickens, come home to roost. ~ Charles W. Chesnutt
I'm feeling juvenile today. So GO HERE or face my wrath.
February 27, 2005
Now, I Don't Want To Get Off On A Rant Here...
The wildness of squirrels is an awesome wildness. ~ Douglas Fairbairn
Meet Foamy and bow down unto his glory.
February 24, 2005
Robin Williams, Revisited
A picture is worth a thousand words. ~ Napoleon Bonaparte
You know who you are ;-)