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June 29, 2005

Nobody Changes Anyone Else's Mind...

Today's public figures can no longer write their own speeches or books, and there is some evidence that they can't read them either. ~ Gore Vidal

This is depressingly accurate.

Where's Jon Stewart when you need him?

Mirth | Poli-Sci by Doxy at 02:55 PM | permalink | talkback (0)

June 25, 2005

5 By 5

Willow: Don't worry, we're sure to spot Faith first. She's like this cleavagey slutbomb walking around going, "Ooh, check me out, I'm wicked cool, I'm five by five..."
Tara: Five what by five what? What does that mean?
Willow: See, that's the thing. No one knows.
~ Alyson Hannigan and Amber Benson (via Douglas Petrie)

I would like to point out that Ray started it (well, Poppy started it, but it's always more fun to blame Ray).

5 Things You Feel Right Now

1. Chocolate cravings;
2. Guilt over blogging instead of working on projects;
3. The weight of my hair on my scalp;
4. Faint titillation hangover from a recent fantasy;
5. A strange combination of panic and excitement for no specific reason.

Last 5 Things You Bought

1. Pictures of Naked Women (subscription renewed)
2. Jar Pop (Cool Tools recommended)
3. Soapy Soles Elite 3 in 1 Foot Washer (it looks like a fun addition to any pedicure)
4. Tamarind Candy
5. MOM CDs

5 Objects of Lust

1. Aneli
2. Steve McQueen
3. Monica Bellucci
4. David Morse
5. Al Swearengen
(note: this list is likely to be completely different in ten minutes)

5 Things In Your Pockets Or Purse

Everyday Purse:
1. Pilot Easy-Touch Medium Point Pens
2. Mini Maglite
3. My Notary stamp
4. Burt's Bees Lip Balm
5. Many, many scrunchies

Evening Purse:
1. Lipstick (Nars Hot Voodoo)
2. Lancome Compact (Matte Clair)
3. My opal earrings (that's where they are!)
4. A $50 bill
5. A mere two scrunchies

5 Things You Collect

1. Vintage Playboys
2. Alligators
3. Any and all things Henslee
4. Quotes
5. Cute Shoes

5 True Statements You Can Make That Most People Can't

1. I survived being at or damn near ground zero during two different hurricanes.
2. My mother went into false labor while she was pregnant with me because of a close football game.
3. I spent more time at Walt Disney World than at my parents' house during many years of my childhood.
4. I can often quote from movies and television shows with bizarre accuracy, even after just a single viewing.
5. I remember most of my dreams after each sleep cycle and tend to have at least one or two explicit dream sequences per cycle.

Idle Prattle | Mirth by Doxy at 05:16 PM | permalink | talkback (3)

Free Speech Coalition's 2257 Compromise & You

Free speech is the whole thing, the whole ball game. Free speech is life itself. ~ Salman Rushdie

If you are not a member of the Free Speech Coalition you might want to think about joining....umm...now. They're one of the few legal defense teams that adult webmasters/bloggers have right now. The membership fees go toward legal defenses. Depending on how deep you are in the industry, the membership fees vary, but an independent or blogger with a DBA should be able to get in at the $50 individual membership level. If you own your own company, etc, then it goes up. Although they do allow you to pay on monthly installments.

Currently, they've got an injunction that protects their members against DOJ 2257 investigation for at least the next month, until a judge holds a preliminary injunction hearing on August 8th. Plus they're not just handing over their member list:

A master list of members will be submitted to the Special Master on Wednesday June 29, 2005, and will include all FSC members as of 2:00 p.m. pacific standard time, Saturday June 25, 2005.

At no time will the DoJ have direct access to the FSC membership list, which will remain under seal.

Joining gives you the opportunity to take an extra month to get your ducks in a row and also lets you sit back and watch what happens from a relatively safe distance for the moment. Not to mention actually contributing to the cause.

In order to get on the membership list by June 29th, the following appears on their website:

In response to the flood of new members, Free Speech Coalition is pleased to announce that all membership and 2257 litigation contributions can be processed over the telephone as of 6:00 a.m. Pacific Time, Friday morning, June 24, 2005, through 2:00 p.m, Saturday, June 25, 2005. Call 800.681.0403. Credit cards will be processed over the telephone.

If you're only in it for the 30 days of protection then a) hopefully my blog post here wasn't what tipped you off about it because the deadline is in like...an hour; b) you might not want to shill out $50 or more for a mere 30 days.

But it's there if you're interested.

Dox

Phone Sex | Poli-Sci by Doxy at 02:17 PM | permalink | talkback (0)

June 24, 2005

The Millau Viaduct

There is nothing in machinery, there is nothing in embankments and railways and iron bridges and engineering devices to oblige them to be ugly. Ugliness is the measure of imperfection. ~ H. G. Wells

I'm not 100%, but I think that this is Millau Viaduct. Can anyone confirm?

And why don't we have hi-res for the whole world yet. What the fuck, Google? Get on this.

I'm having a serious Veruca Salt moment here. I want it nowwwwwwwww.

Groovy by Doxy at 03:25 PM | permalink | talkback (0)

Yankable

You have the right to remain sexy, sugar. ~ Beyoncé Knowles as Foxxy Cleopatra (via Mike Myers)

We go from udderly tuggable to udderly yankable:

There are not enough other pictures of this cute slut here.

Naughty Bits by Doxy at 01:58 PM | permalink | talkback (7)

June 22, 2005

Top Movie Quotes of All Time?

Some of you might note that AFI released their top 100 movie quotes of all time. Their list has vast differences from mine.

Missing from the list:

"Who are those guys," "Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid," 1969.

"Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?" "She Done Him Wrong," 1933.

"You can't fool me, there ain't no Sanity Clause," "A Night at the Opera," 1935.

"Insanity runs in my family -- it practically gallops," "Arsenic and Old Lace," 1940.

"When the fall is all there is, it matters," "The Lion in Winter," 1969.

"Love, in a world where carpenters get resurrected, everything is possible," "The Lion in Winter," 1969.

"Liberty's too precious a thing to be buried in books," "Mr. Smith Goes to Washington," 1939.

"Lawyers should never marry other lawyers. This is called in-breeding; from this comes idiot children... and other lawyers," "Adam's Rib," 1949.

"No woman could ever run for President. She'd have to admit she's over 35," "State of the Union," 1948.

"That's quite a dress you almost have on...what holds it up? ... Modesty," "An American in Paris," 1951.

"I wonder if you wonder," "Double Indemnity," 1944

"I have come here to chew bubble gum and kick ass. And I'm all outta bubble gum," "They Live," 1988.

"We're on a mission from God," "The Blues Brothers," 1980.

"How much for the women?" "The Blues Brothers," 1980.

"I would like, if I may, to take you on a strange journey," "The Rocky Horror Picture Show," 1975.

"It could be worse...could be raining," "Young Frankenstein," 1974.

"What hump?" "Young Frankenstein," 1974.

"Abby someone. Abby who? ... Abby normal," "Young Frankenstein," 1974.

"Mongo just pawn in game of life," "Blazing Saddles," 1976.

"Excuse me while I whip this out," "Blazing Saddles," 1976.

"I'll be all around in the dark - I'll be everywhere. Wherever you can look - wherever there's a fight, so hungry people can eat, I'll be there. Wherever there's a cop beatin' up a guy, I'll be there. I'll be there in the way guys yell when they're mad. I'll be there in the way kids laugh when they're hungry and they know supper's ready, and when people are eatin' the stuff they raise and livin' in the houses they built - I'll be there, too," "The Grapes of Wrath," 1940.

"They'll talk to ya and talk to ya and talk to ya about freedom. But they see a real free individual, it scares 'em," "Easy Rider," 1969.

"Merry Christmas, movie house," "It's a Wonderful Life," 1946.

"Look, Daddy. Teacher says every time a bell rings, an angel gets his wings," "It's a Wonderful Life," 1946.

"God bless us, every one," "Scrooge," 1951.

"Bah! Humbug," "Scrooge," 1951.

There are probably a million more I'm forgetting.

Their list after the cut.

(typo fixed to accomodate sarcastic friends)

1. "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn," "Gone With the Wind," 1939.

2. "I'm going to make him an offer he can't refuse," "The Godfather," 1972.

3. "You don't understand! I coulda had class. I coulda been a contender. I could've been somebody, instead of a bum, which is what I am," "On the Waterfront," 1954.

4. "Toto, I've got a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore," "The Wizard of Oz," 1939.

5. "Here's looking at you, kid," "Casablanca," 1942.

6. "Go ahead, make my day," "Sudden Impact," 1983.

7. "All right, Mr. DeMille, I'm ready for my close-up," "Sunset Blvd.," 1950.

8. "May the Force be with you," "Star Wars," 1977.

9. "Fasten your seatbelts. It's going to be a bumpy night," "All About Eve," 1950.

10. "You talking to me?" "Taxi Driver," 1976.

11. "What we've got here is failure to communicate," "Cool Hand Luke," 1967.

12. "I love the smell of napalm in the morning," "Apocalypse Now," 1979.

13. "Love means never having to say you're sorry," "Love Story," 1970.

14. "The stuff that dreams are made of," "The Maltese Falcon," 1941.

15. "E.T. phone home," "E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial," 1982.

16. "They call me Mister Tibbs!", "In the Heat of the Night," 1967.

17. "Rosebud," "Citizen Kane," 1941.

18. "Made it, Ma! Top of the world!", "White Heat," 1949.

19. "I'm as mad as hell, and I'm not going to take this anymore!", "Network," 1976.

20. "Louis, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship," "Casablanca," 1942.

21. "A census taker once tried to test me. I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti," "The Silence of the Lambs," 1991.

22. "Bond. James Bond," "Dr. No," 1962.

23. "There's no place like home," "The Wizard of Oz," 1939.

24. "I am big! It's the pictures that got small," "Sunset Blvd.," 1950.

25. "Show me the money!", "Jerry Maguire," 1996.

26. "Why don't you come up sometime and see me?", "She Done Him Wrong," 1933.

27. "I'm walking here! I'm walking here!", "Midnight Cowboy," 1969.

28. "Play it, Sam. Play 'As Time Goes By,"' "Casablanca," 1942.

29. "You can't handle the truth!", "A Few Good Men," 1992.

30. "I want to be alone," "Grand Hotel," 1932.

31. "After all, tomorrow is another day!", "Gone With the Wind," 1939.

32. "Round up the usual suspects," "Casablanca," 1942.

33. "I'll have what she's having," "When Harry Met Sally...," 1989.

34. "You know how to whistle, don't you, Steve? You just put your lips together and blow," "To Have and Have Not," 1944.

35. "You're gonna need a bigger boat," "Jaws," 1975.

36. "Badges? We ain't got no badges! We don't need no badges! I don't have to show you any stinking badges!", "The Treasure of the Sierra Madre," 1948.

37. "I'll be back," "The Terminator," 1984.

38. "Today, I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the earth," "The Pride of the Yankees," 1942.

39. "If you build it, he will come," "Field of Dreams," 1989.

40. "Mama always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get," "Forrest Gump," 1994.

41. "We rob banks," "Bonnie and Clyde," 1967.

42. "Plastics," "The Graduate," 1967.

43. "We'll always have Paris," "Casablanca," 1942.

44. "I see dead people," "The Sixth Sense," 1999.

45. "Stella! Hey, Stella!", "A Streetcar Named Desire," 1951.

46. "Oh, Jerry, don't let's ask for the moon. We have the stars," "Now, Voyager," 1942.

47. "Shane. Shane. Come back!", "Shane," 1953.

48. "Well, nobody's perfect," "Some Like It Hot," 1959.

49. "It's alive! It's alive!", "Frankenstein," 1931.

50. "Houston, we have a problem," "Apollo 13," 1995.

51. "You've got to ask yourself one question: 'Do I feel lucky?' Well, do ya, punk?", "Dirty Harry," 1971.

52. "You had me at 'hello,"' "Jerry Maguire," 1996.

53. "One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I don't know," "Animal Crackers," 1930.

54. "There's no crying in baseball!", "A League of Their Own," 1992.

55. "La-dee-da, la-dee-da," "Annie Hall," 1977.

56. "A boy's best friend is his mother," "Psycho," 1960.

57. "Greed, for lack of a better word, is good," "Wall Street," 1987.

58. "Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer," "The Godfather Part II," 1974.

59. "As God is my witness, I'll never be hungry again," "Gone With the Wind," 1939.

60. "Well, here's another nice mess you've gotten me into!", "Sons of the Desert," 1933.

61. "Say 'hello' to my little friend!", "Scarface," 1983.

62. "What a dump," "Beyond the Forest," 1949.

63. "Mrs. Robinson, you're trying to seduce me. Aren't you?", "The Graduate," 1967.

64. "Gentlemen, you can't fight in here! This is the War Room!", "Dr. Strangelove," 1964.

65. "Elementary, my dear Watson," "The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes," 1929.

66. "Get your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty ape," "Planet of the Apes," 1968.

67. "Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine," "Casablanca," 1942.

68. "Here's Johnny!", "The Shining," 1980.

69. "They're here!", "Poltergeist," 1982.

70. "Is it safe?", "Marathon Man," 1976.

71. "Wait a minute, wait a minute. You ain't heard nothin' yet!", "The Jazz Singer," 1927.

72. "No wire hangers, ever!", "Mommie Dearest," 1981.

73. "Mother of mercy, is this the end of Rico?", "Little Caesar," 1930.

74. "Forget it, Jake, it's Chinatown," "Chinatown," 1974.

75. "I have always depended on the kindness of strangers," "A Streetcar Named Desire," 1951.

76. "Hasta la vista, baby," "Terminator 2: Judgment Day," 1991.

77. "Soylent Green is people!", "Soylent Green," 1973.

78. "Open the pod bay doors, HAL," "2001: A Space Odyssey," 1968.

79. Striker: "Surely you can't be serious." Rumack: "I am serious ... and don't call me Shirley," "Airplane!", 1980.

80. "Yo, Adrian!", "Rocky," 1976.

81. "Hello, gorgeous," "Funny Girl," 1968.

82. "Toga! Toga!", "National Lampoon's Animal House," 1978.

83. "Listen to them. Children of the night. What music they make," "Dracula," 1931.

84. "Oh, no, it wasn't the airplanes. It was Beauty killed the Beast," "King Kong," 1933.

85. "My precious," "The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers," 2002.

86. "Attica! Attica!", "Dog Day Afternoon," 1975.

87. "Sawyer, you're going out a youngster, but you've got to come back a star!", "42nd Street," 1933.

88. "Listen to me, mister. You're my knight in shining armor. Don't you forget it. You're going to get back on that horse, and I'm going to be right behind you, holding on tight, and away we're gonna go, go, go!", "On Golden Pond," 1981.

89. "Tell 'em to go out there with all they got and win just one for the Gipper," "Knute Rockne, All American," 1940.

90. "A martini. Shaken, not stirred," "Goldfinger," 1964.

91. "Who's on first," "The Naughty Nineties," 1945.

92. "Cinderella story. Outta nowhere. A former greenskeeper, now, about to become the Masters champion. It looks like a mirac ... It's in the hole! It's in the hole! It's in the hole!", "Caddyshack," 1980.

93. "Life is a banquet, and most poor suckers are starving to death!", "Auntie Mame," 1958.

94. "I feel the need -- the need for speed!", "Top Gun," 1986.

95. "Carpe diem. Seize the day, boys. Make your lives extraordinary," "Dead Poets Society," 1989.

96. "Snap out of it!", "Moonstruck," 1987.

97. "My mother thanks you. My father thanks you. My sister thanks you. And I thank you," "Yankee Doodle Dandy," 1942.

98. "Nobody puts Baby in a corner," "Dirty Dancing," 1987.

99. "I'll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!", "The Wizard of Oz," 1939.

100. "I'm king of the world!", "Titanic," 1997.

Blather d'Art by Doxy at 01:32 PM | permalink | talkback (1)

June 21, 2005

Another Day Wasted On Google Maps

The world will never starve for want of wonders; but only for want of wonder. ~ Gilbert Keith Chesterton

This stuff is like crack. Must...search...

One Down...
The Eiffel Tower

Others to find:

Abu Simbel
Angkor Wat - Found 6/23/05 (no hi-res), Props to Brad
The Arc de Triomphe - Found 6/24/05, Props to Google Sightseeing
The Banaue Rice Terraces
The Colosseum - Found 6/21/05 Props to Google Sightseeing
Forbidden City - Found 6/22/05 Props to Google Sightseeing
The Great Wall of China
India Gate - Found 6/22/05
The Leaning Tower of Pisa
Little Mermaid Statue (Copenhagen, Denmark)- Found 6/24/05, 1:40pm
(To figure out where it is, you may need this)
Machu Picchu
The Mayan Temples of Tikal
The Moai Statues in Rapa Nui - Found 6/23/05 (no hi res)
Mont-Saint-Michel - Found 6/21/05, 4:00pm EST (no hi-res)
The Parthenon (Acropolis) Found 6/22/05, Props to Brad
Petra (not sure if this will show up from above)
Red Square - Found 6/21/05, 3:30pm EST
Stonehenge - Found 6/22/05 (no hi-res)
Taj Mahal - Found 6/23/05 (no hi res), Props to Brad
Tokyo Tower - Found 6/24/05, Props to Google Sightseeing
Versailles Palace - Found 6/24/05, 1:10pm

If you don't hear from me for a few days, you know why.

Dox

Groovy by Doxy at 12:30 PM | permalink | talkback (2)

WebUndies

A lady is one who never shows her underwear unintentionally ~ Lillian Day

*sigh*

I've found a new site that is destined to wear a hole in my bank account.

WebUndies is just the most fucking adorable "comfy undies" site I've been delighted to stumble on recently.

The list of "must have" items is long...long...long.

A few highlights:

Aren't they just faboo?

I was so born to wear this!

And...come on. Playboy Bunny undies with rhinestones? Now, that's just CHEATING!

Ungh. Doxy want all. Gimme gimme gimme!

Groovy by Doxy at 10:39 AM | permalink | talkback (1)

June 20, 2005

Google Pyramids

The pyramids themselves, doting with age, have forgotten the names of their founders. ~ Thomas Fuller

I have been waiting for this one since Google Maps launched.

The Pyramids at Giza

I love this.

***Update***
6/21/05

I was wrong. The previously posed pyramids aren't the big three Pyramids of Giza. I'm not sure which they are, but I'm trying to find a map that will tell me. THESE appear to be the Giza pyramids of Khufu, Khafra, and Menkaure. And just to the East of them is the Sphinx.

I'm pretty sure that THIS is the Step Pyramid of Djoser.

There are also some crumbling pyramids HERE, and HERE. I'm also looking for which they might be.

My Bad.

Dox

Groovy by Doxy at 09:06 PM | permalink | talkback (0)

June 19, 2005

Porn APB

There is no shame in not knowing; the shame lies in not finding out. ~ Russian proverb

I'm issuing a Porn APB.

After my "I can't find any good porn" lament the other day, I received a few good ideas in email. One of these involved plugging into a P2P system (I won't say which, but think citrusy thoughts) and searching for the term "babysitter."

And after much deleting of crap, I found a clip from a porn movie that I'd really, really like to have/purchase the full length version of.

As far as I can tell, the pros FAR outweigh the cons:

Pros:
1. Although the plot was predicable, it was not "in your face" bland and allowed for minimal setup with maximum payoff.
2. The "18 year old babysitter" in question actually looked 18 and actually seemed as through she was being "forced" to some extent.
3. The evil bitch woman character was the pivotal role and was portrayed with enthusiasm by the actress.
4. There was some (although very minimal) effort put into capturing facial expression.
5. The set didn't look like a set; the clothes didn't look like costumes.
6. The sex was mostly good. It would have been much better if the male actor had, like, been worth a dime.

Cons:
1. The male actor really was useless and didn't seem to put even minimal effort into the role. It's one thing to be "reluctant" as part of the "script" but come on -- your wife is forcing your 18 year old babysitter to suck and gag on your cock. Wouldn't you think he'd be able to whip up a tiny bit of excitement?
2. Unfortunately it was still a porn movie which meant way too much emphasis placed on in-out, in-out, lather rinse repeat shots as well as unnecessarily complicated positioning.

I'm posting screen caps after the cut. Anyone who recognizes this film please let me know. I'm hoping to get the full version plus see if any similar films are available from the producer.

Plot: Parents come home and find babysitter doing something naughty (I have no idea what this is -- the clip begins with the mother in full-on bitch mode). Bad, wicked wife character decides to teach the babysitter a lesson for being a nasty little slut. Husband character puts up ineffective "but honey, we shouldn't" resistance.

Wife character forces young babysitter to suck/gag on husband's cock. Husband occasionally murmurs things like "Honey, you're hurting the poor child."

Poor exploited babysitter gives good owie.

Wife takes things to the next level. And then the one after that. Then they're all tangled up in Twister sex. My clip ends abruptly in the middle of all the action. *sigh*

Please won't you help me find it? I would be *ever* so grateful.

Naughty Bits by Doxy at 07:25 AM | permalink | talkback (4)

June 18, 2005

Rum Tum Tugger

B is for Breasts
Of which ladies have two;
Once prized for the function,
Now for the view.
~ Robert Paul Smith

Don't you just want to bind her at the wrists and tug on those succulent udders until she cries?

*rowr*

Yeah. I'm in kind of a mood lately.

Where did I find her? On a sex toy ad page for fuck's sake!

Naughty Bits by Doxy at 06:20 AM | permalink | talkback (1)

June 17, 2005

Always a Mary Ann, Never A Ginger

Remember, Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did, but she did it backwards and in high heels. ~ Faith Whittlesey

Sometimes all it takes is a photo or ad to get me thinking. Recently I spotted this photo ad for the horrid reality show The Real Gilligan's Island:

And, you know, it got me thinking.

I believe most little girls of my generation (and previous generations who knew what it meant) grew up wanting to be Ginger.

The sparkly dress – the Marilyn ‘tude, the fawning attention from the menfolk. These things made it more appealing to dress up and play “the movie star” instead of that other character who was referred to as “and the rest” in the original theme song.

Ginger was glamorous, slinky and pouty and treated like a prize. Mary Ann, on the other hand was pigtails and Pollyanna enthusiasm, and treated like just one of the guys. I don’t know what it was in my pre-pubescent mind that identified the advantages of being a Ginger and aspire during playtime to be her. What overpowering behavior signals, body language, or subtext could there possibly have been in a show that saccharine? Maybe it was enough that the producers obviously felt Ginger was the superior woman in a “what men want and women want to be” way. In fact, I can’t say that I remember a single plotline from a Gilligan’s Island episode except for the one where Mary Ann accidentally knocks herself on the head and wakes up thinking she’s Ginger so everyone puts on a sad charade of letting the poor little wanna-be parade about until it’s revealed she’s just plain old Mary Ann after all.

As I got older, it was clear I was more Mary Ann than Ginger. Sure I loved to play dress up in slinky dresses by myself, but I was mostly pigtails and Pollyanna enthusiasm. And, once I spent time with peers, I was far more tomboy and one of the guys than I was “don’t get my hair wet” prima donna. I retained my desire to dress up and wear frilly, pretty things in the right circumstance, but even in pretty dresses and stockings I wasn’t able to effectively masquerade as a bona-fide glamour girl. I was always just a Mary Ann in a pretty dress and I suppose I developed my personal balance with that.

I never made the connection regarding my comfortable (if gradual) acceptance of my inner Mary Ann until I was older and some beer commercial featured a group of guys around a pool table playing X or Y. The ad was likely part of the “tastes great / less filling” campaign, but I don’t remember. What I do recall is one of the guys tosses out “Ginger or Mary Ann” and after a pause they answer in unison “Mary Ann.”

And I thought: "Huh?"

A beer commercial, marketing to other guys was clearly inferring that a majority of men preferred Mary Ann. This bewildered me and I set about asking (okay, pestering) my male friends for explanations.

It turned out that their impression of Ginger was a high maintenance airhead who thought of herself as unattainable. Mary Ann was more girl next door cosy; the type my guy friends now refer to as “an MILF in training.”

Obviously, both Tina Louise and Dawn Wells were/are beautiful women. I don’t kid myself that even though Mary Ann was portrayed as “plain” that Dawn was anything but a plain young woman. Still, it’s fascinating to me that the transition took place socially as well as personally. Did I evolve as part of a personal journey or has American society evolved in general? It’s hard to tell sometimes. But I think it’s both.

Sure there are the Paris Hiltons who still get attention just because they’re "beautiful" (or, perceived as beautiful -- I don’t get people that think she’s attractive, but then I don't get the Brad Pitt thing, either). But there are women who can embrace inner sexuality and be revered for other traits as well. Let's face it, being the awkward geek girl is offically cooler than being the perfect doll. It all depends on the company you keep.

Yes, there is still overwhelming aesthetic prejudice in society and the arts, but we’re human animals and I don’t know that we’ll ever get over that. I also don’t know that we should. Maybe that’s part of the evolutionary recipe that produces an Elenore Roosevelt every now and then. Maybe it’s the social hindrances that come with not being traditionally attractive that allow for occasional sparks of extraordinary humanity to move to the forefront.

Some of us will never be pin-up girls no matter how many pairs of sexy panties and high heeled shoes we own. And if that is the greatest tragedy of our lives, then they are charmed lives, indeed.

There will always be Gingers and Mary Anns for as long as some girls feel pretty and others don’t. But for the first time in my life, when I think of which one I am and which one I want to be, I realize it doesn’t have to be a war or a choice or a disappointment. I want to be a little bit of both and mostly neither. My inner pie-fight between the island gals is all cleaned up and put to rest.

Which doesn’t mean I don’t want to watch THIS COMMERICAL as often as possible (warning, ads prelude video which starts instantly). Just because my inner catfight is over doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy watching other gals work out their issues.

*sigh* That’s another mark against my getting that sisterhood membership, isn’t it?

Blather d'Art | Idle Prattle | Poli-Sci by Doxy at 04:50 AM | permalink | talkback (2)

June 16, 2005

A Porn Story

...If I die, please get the porn from under my bed before my mom cleans out my room. And also, if you look at it, keep an open mind. ~ David Shatraw as Tommy Shafter on the never fully appreciated "Titus"

This amazing entry from Rollertrain should be required reading as far as I'm concerned. It addresses our misconceptions about adult products and porn, and about how those misconceptions often begin when we are young and remain with us despite developing into reasonably educated and logical beings. Even people "in the industry" often seem to fundamentally operate out of a preconceived mindset that "people who like porn enjoy X, Y, or Z" without exploring what the market is actually interested in. This entry details a scenario where BBW models outperformed silicone porn staple models in a sales bet -- an outcome that only 3 out of 30 people in a meeting thought possible. But that's not the important lesson.

The important lesson is that porn SHOULD BE far more varied. But even when the subject matter and the cast of players is switched about, most of the basic content seems about the same. Admittedly, I am no expert. I only know what I'm exposed to and what others share with me.

I hear people say that the internet and other factors have made things more diverse than they were. But it always seems to me that the Long Tail of porn still has a long way to go. It really doesn't come anywhere close to delivering the kind of porn *I* yearn to be able to pop into my DVD player.

As for how my personal relationship developed (or didn't) with mainstream porn, you'll need to click through to the cut. This is another of those annoyingly long personal stories.

As a female of the species, I am not expected to like porn. For that reason alone, I've always sought to enjoy it more. I've developed a taste for erotic stories as a reader and writer, and for print/static porn, and for nasty cartoons and almost everything else. But porn in the traditional "porn movie" sense eludes me.

There are reasons for this. I was very little when I had my first experience with video porn, and it wasn't a positive experience.

For as long as I've been alive I've never really slept normal hours. The adult units in charge of me gave up trying to keep me in bed by the time I was able to speak in sentences so the rule of "stay in bed" was amended to simply dictate that I read in my room and not go wondering through the house. And mostly I was a good girl. Except that, even for a child who enjoys reading, books can get boring sometimes. So I would sneak out into the living room, turn the volume down low and watch shows like "Nite Owl Movies" or British comedies and old reruns. (Cable TV and VCRs weren't around yet.)

Then, one day the adult-type units installed this box on the television set that was called "ON TV." (I would provide a reference of some kind if I could find it, but YOU try Googling for "On TV")

"ON TV" consisted of a box with an On/Off knob that hooked into the back of the TV (we had to get a splitter so that I didn't have to unhook my Telestar Pong console). Every day after 2pm, you would put your television on channel 3 and then switch the magic box to the "on" position and viola! you had movies. From 2pm to 11pm movies aired, and as far as I knew, that's when programming ended.

Then we started getting "ON TV" guides in the mail and I noticed that there were other shows with funny titles listed as starting at midnight. The adult units were holding out on me! I swore revenge!

So the next time I crept out, and turned the TV volume down low, I also turned the dial to channel 3 and switched the "ON TV" box to "on." I have NEVER forgotten the next three or four minutes of what I saw.

A beautiful black woman with a Foxy Brown afro was completely naked (she didn't even have knickers on!) and laying on a large picnic table out in the middle of a field. The table looked like it was set to feed an army, and she was laid out like a yummy chocolate sculpture centerpiece. I was fascinated.

One minute later, fascination turned to shocked and repulsed as the lovely black woman started playing with her food -- literally.

Now, I was a pretty sexually savvy nibblet for a girl my age. I knew all sorts of birds and bees stuff, had read things I shouldn't have and had been informed by all the adult type units that sexuality was not bad, just private. I'd also discovered that I had certain little parts that felt good to touch and I liked touching them.

Foxy, however, was doing very messy, very dirty things with her picnic spread that I had never considered desirable or possible. I sat in bewildered horror as she rubbed a log of Summer sausage between her legs and got funky with a jello salad. At some point she actually cracked an egg on her bushy wide-open kitty and that was about all I could take. I turned off the television set, flipped the switch to "off" and ran back to my bed. That feeling of heart-pumping "what the hell was that?" childhood terror shuddered in me and I vowed to whatever God might lend an ear that I would NEVER EVER look at such things again provided no one ever found out about what I'd seen. I felt sure if ANYONE had the slightest idea about what I had seen Foxy doing, I'd have spontaneously combusted. I was in college the next time I saw video porn.

During that time, however, I would like to note that my self-imposed "shame" regarding hardcore video porn never tainted my softcore porn fetish. Magazines, comics, cartoons and other print images were fair game. I loved looking at dirty pictures. I loved dirty cartoons, dirty illustrations, dirty comics, and salivated over pin-up art. I also enjoyed softcore "Sinemax" style porn when I got a chance to watch it. I did then, and still do get tingles in tender places from looking at all that stuff and my hard drive is pumped with it.

Although my tastes have always run to the softcore I didn't have the slightest bit of embarasment about liking it once I was free of my awkward adolescent stage. I was still in high school when, one afternoon, my Dad came home from work to find me in my bedroom up to my knees in his old 70's Playboy issues. Without so much as a blush on my face, I looked up to find him turning green as I rambled on excitedly about interviews I'd been reading and retro articles I'd been enjoying. Playboy was, of course, completely different back then. Bless his heart, Dad muttered something about making sure my mother didn't see me with his magazines and I don't think I saw him for a week after that.

I would like, very much, to develop a relationship with hardcore porn, especially of the video variety. But I've never seen a porn movie that got me wet. I am not the target market, alas. Plus I've never seen a porn movie that didn't look unconvincing.

This is probably because I did things backwards. I learned about and started enjoying my sexuality way before being exposed to porn regularly. I knew how to give blowjobs men liked. I knew what got me and my partner off when we were all tangled up together. Sure, I had stuff to learn -- we all continue to learn about sexuality as we age and mature -- but I had the basics down. And what I saw in porn movies looked false. It had no heat, no creaminess.

Most people I know seem to have been exposed to porn before they actually got into having regular sex -- before they developed their techniques and personal sexual styles. They were influenced by what they saw and tried to mimic it. So porn sex doesn't look so false to them.

The first time I encountered porn without produce I was with friends. A group of us were sitting around at 3am with some recreational smoke and whoever was in charge of the clicker landed on a porn movie. Standard doggie style close-up in-and-out fake-tits-bouncing type drivel. The boys in the room let out a happy cry of "Porn!" while the women (myself included) alternately rolled our eyes and made "urgh" sounds.

As is often the case with intellectual know-it-all college kids who are high at 3am, we got into feverent discussions about our differing views. The boys loved porn, the girls did not. But we girls weren't prudes (trust me, we had the sluttiest minds south of the Mason-Dixon line), we just didn't like what porn had to offer. We were JEALOUS that the boys got the stuff they liked and no one seemed to care that it wasn't tailored to a female mindset at all.

For reasons I won't add to this already lengthy post, I was the sexpert of my clan. Not that they knew how or why (sex was not bad, just private...) I'd acquired such knowledge, but it was clear I was the one that knew things. And what I knew more than anything was that the sex depicted by the porn movie we were watching was fake.

My use of the word "fake" sparked further debate --

Friend: "It's not fake! He's fucking her!"
Me: "Well, yes, but it's not, like, real fucking."
Friend: "What the hell are you talking about?"
Me: "THAT is not the way people fuck."
Friend: "It's obviously the way some people fuck. They're doing it."

I couldn't debate that point and my argument stalled, but I knew I was right. I just couldn't communicate the difference between "false" and "not real." Besides, I had the munchies.

The blowjobs I've seen in porn movies are bad blowjobs. They aren't sloppy enough. They don't make enough contact. There's too much "bob your head up and down" and not enough slobbery, slippery tongue-mouth-hands-touch-it-everywhere-you-can. There's no ball-licking "I'm going to push my finger in your ass just before you come and get that prostate throbbing" action. It's all one lip-implanted twat in cheap red lipstick trying to swallow as much as she can and being terribly uncreative in the process. Not that it's her fault. She's only doing what she's told.

Moreover, the fucking I've seen in porn movies is pointless, unsexy, and mechanical. And why camera men feel the need to zoom in on Tab A being inserted into Slot B is beyond my understanding. Show me the face of a woman grunting as her whole body jolts from being plugged from behind. Show me wrists being held down hard. Show me fingers sinking in to grip a plump round ass that's about to get fucked. I'm not saying I don't want any in-and-out shots, but when that's all there is, there isn't much.

Plus, why isn't there SOME story involved? I don't need much. I'm not looking for international jewel thieves who fuck by day and steal by night. I don't need plot development or anything as complicated as a beginning, middle and end. I just want a set-up that isn't so contrived even the actors look bored. Sock Puppet Porn is more stimulating than most of what I've run across.

I've talked to a lot of people about porn my whole life, because that's what I do about topics I don't understand -- I survey and probe and annoy others to get their take. And the general consensus seems to be that most people have a handful of porn movies that they truly enjoy and the rest is just what's available and works for the moment. It's like the world at large is on one long bad blind date with porn.

Except people living in Asia who appear to get all the porn they want exactly as they want it and who generally bewilder and frighten me.

The Rollertrain article says it all. It's not that women like myself want to hate porn, it's just that we're JEALOUS that our tastes, wants, desires don't seem to be represented. But that's easy to understand. When guys only seem mildly pleased with what's out there and they are the focus of the industry, then someone is doing something WRONG. I'm not saying "all" but I am thinking that most porn producers need to stop delivering what they THINK the market wants and actually begin digging into researching and then producing what the market actually wants.

But, they're probably not going to start exploring any Brave New World of Porn frontiers while we've got fundies chomping at the bit to take porn to the mattresses.

I know that my tastes are likely too taboo -- too extreme and too hard to pull off convincingly. The old 70s Taboo movies are okay, but the character in the position of power is the one character I want to watch get exploited (which never happens).

And my tastes means that I don't really look around for amateur stuff on the web because I'm always afraid I'll find something real that will spook me. I want to see mild rape porn, but I don't want to accidentally find some sick fuck who videotaped a real rape. I want to see age-play and incest-play, but I don't want to find some file of a child being exploited. There used to be a few clips I guarded covetously on an old computer -- a few minutes here and there of well done (but obviously scripted) non-consent and incest, but I lost 'em all in a computer crash.

Bondage sometimes works for me as well, but I'm picky. Most bondage stuff out there is too extreme for my tastes. I like spanking and tie-me-up play. But caning and whipping and fuck machines and leather hoods do nothing for me. I used to have a nice little collection of spanking clips that got me wet, but, alas, they, too were lost.

Like most people I would love to make my own porn movie. My script. My directing. My editing. The talent of the cast would be a wild card, but I could edit around that. Still, I think there'd be a huge market for my ideas. Taboo subject matter. Lots of facial expressions shuffled in among the full-body shots. Hot, non-cheesy dialog that adds to the fucking and doesn't detract from it.

In the meantime I look at my softcore pretty pictures when I want to touch myself and think naughty thoughts and whisper naughty things.

Or sometimes I just fast-forward to *the scene* in Monster's Ball. Because, you know, I don't care what anyone says -- they WERE fucking.

Idle Prattle | Naughty Bits by Doxy at 04:27 AM | permalink | talkback (1)

June 12, 2005

Anti-Gay Phone Companies Caught On Tape

Prejudices, it is well known, are most difficult to eradicate from the heart whose soil has never been loosened or fertilized by education; they grow there, firm as weeds among stones. ~ Charlotte Brontë

Those of you who haven't encountered these Eugene Mirman "Show and Tell" recorded treasures yet are in for a hefty guffaw.

The recordings involve calls placed to Eugene by United American Technologies -- a phone company that claims ATT, MCI, etc are promoting the gay lifestyle, marketing child porn, and raping baby pandas. Okay, maybe not that last part. Their proposed solution is to sign up with their long distance plan where 10% of the revenue goes to ministries out to defeat the gay agenda (although there is some debate about where the money goes).

It would be interesting to get a copy of the actual script the salespeople are ad libbing from, because I'm confident the original script covered the company's ass regarding liable/slander. Their representatives, however are making some wildly inflammatory statements.

I'm torn. On the one side, I'm disgusted at a phone scheme out to bilk faithful Christians out of money and siphon it to whatever cause of the week feeds this company's goals.

On the other hand, if the people being targeted for solicitation weren't prejudiced fundies and thus easily swayed toward handing over their cash to sate their personal hatreds, they wouldn't be exploited in the first place.

I guess my bottom line is, I think it's a shame, but there are A LOT of other issues on my list that I'd like to see remedied before protecting fundamentalist hate mongers from being pick pocketed by a telemarketing scam.

Mirth | Poli-Sci by Doxy at 01:30 PM | permalink | talkback (1)

June 11, 2005

Vice Premiums

Everyone knows what a hypocrite is; that's the guy who gripes about the sex, violence and nudity on his VCR. ~ Zig Ziglar

Begin rant.

Umm. I'm warning you now. This is going to be one of those "get that girl a joint" entries.

Well, okay. But I put up signs and told you to run while you could. I blog, therefore I vent.

Operating in the sex industry (even phone sex, which I know is considered a twice-removed cousin by mainstream porn) and being an ethical, practical businessperson is often a very frustrating endeavor.

From the industry side, you watch as some people who cut corners, pander to the lowest common denominator, lie, cheat, steal and behave otherwise unethically appear to suffer little or no consequences for their actions while the good guys jump though arbitrary hoops just to keep their business afloat.

In phone sex, for example, I could name companies with dismal reputations for bouncing checks on their operators, scamming their clients, engaging in advertising tricks and scams and employing no end of other little sneak tactics.

I know -- I have this childish sense of fair play that just won't go away. I'd give anything to grow out of it.

To my credit, once I calm my temper down, I remember that will simply always be the way of business. For every legitimate company there is an Enron. For every person who dots the i's and crosses the t's there is a lazy slacker who leaves people in the lurch. At least in the sex industry, by and large, those who employ unethical practice don't lead to people dying, individuals losing their retirement next eggs, communities getting taxed into oblivion to make up for -- say, a power crisis, etc. An unethical judge, lawyer, doctor, CEO, is a far greater danger to society than a strip club owner gone mad with delusions of significance.

The truth is, in order to pose a danger to society, you have to have some kind of power. And the adult industry has no power. We get fucked from all sides in every way by as many parties as care to participate in the gangbang.

Now, you'll hear the argument that the sex industry attracts unsavory characters. So, let's address that concept. How can sex by itself attract anything more than another? Sex is inherent to us all and as such as varied and vast as the human race.

So, why does it seem that the sex industry has a disproportionate ratio of sleezebags to normies?

Simple. The government drives unsavory characters to sex.

Hang on. I'll show my work.

If you force an industry to operate on the fringes, it will attract fringe personalities. Prohibition funded organized crime. Does that mean that alcohol is intrinsically unethical? Are Coors, Budweiser, and all their brewery brethren tainted and evil? Or, was alcohol simply the gateway to organized crime in the 20s because fundies and government sheep gave the fringe element a chance to take over a socially embedded staple?

Sex, Inc. has this "riding the fence" position that really is enough to make a sane woman weep. The nutjob fundies can't ban sex (yet), but they seem to have no end of fun inspiring otherwise reasonable people to draw more lines about "right and wrong" than scar the plains of Nazca. Government organizations exploit and harass the sex industry because it distracts from the more serious problems they're not addressing. A nice round of vilifying sex shops and strip clubs is as good as tossing the fundies a teething ring to placate their self-righteous fangs. This is generally done in the name of "protecting" children, the elderly, the mentally/morally weak and/or kittens, puppies, and bunnies.

Government is sometimes called upon to make some hard calls. That's why we have a system. But policy to protect the public that strip one or many groups of their rights should actually 1) address a real problem and 2) stand a chance in hell of being effective.

And that's just the social harassment. I haven't even gotten into the monetary extortion.

Our country has an established history of taxing, or forcing a premium onto what they believe is "wrong" for us, so sex companies and individuals pay more for standard services under the guise of "what the market will bear."

You think it's ridiculous that you pay what you pay for a sex toy or service? Maybe so. But you should consider all the little ways a sex industry company gets fucked over and charged out the ears until the cost of producing said service or item requires hikes that would make gas station owners blush.

And king of this little fuck-over-the-adult-business-owner game is the advertising industry.

Thus, the catalyst for my little rant du jour.

If you want to advertise your adult business, you better have a nice bankroll, a lot of patience, a loose, accommodating sphincter, and a jar of Vaseline in tow.

There will be the standard garble about how/what/when/where you can and cannot advertise. These rules (dictated NOT by the market, but by greedy ad execs) range from common sense to out-of-their-fucking-minds.

Reasonable: An explicit ad might be appropriate for Hustler, whereas a less racy ad could find a home in Stuff.

Unreasonable: To place an ad in those more "mainstream" publications who lower themselves to graciously allow adult advertising in the "way back" sections of their venues, you can expect that your advertising will be tamed down until it pales in comparison to the liquor and Victoria's Secret glossy spreads.

Unreasonable Squared: While they're granting you permission to present your tawdry wares in their respectable publication, you'll tithe for the honor by paying anywhere from double to ten times what any other industry is asked to pay. Translation: you pay for worse placement with more severe content restrictions. And you better be happy they're so much as letting you sully their pristine little rag with your filthy presence.

Think I'm exaggerating?

Example 1: Washington City Paper

Paid Ads are for businesses, groups, or individuals that charge for their goods or services. The rate for paid ads is $18.50 for 25 words or less and 65¢ for each additional word.

The rate for Adult Services ads is $150 for 25 words or less and $3 for each additional word.

Example 2: Yahoo Directory Submit

For web sites that do not feature adult content or services, the Yahoo! Directory Submit service costs US$299 (nonrefundable) for each Directory listing that is submitted. Furthermore, for each listing accepted into the Directory, there is a recurring annual fee of US$299 to maintain the listing in the Directory for the subsequent year.

For sites that include adult content or services, the nonrefundable initial fee is US$600 and the recurring annual fee is US$600. The higher cost for sites with adult content reflects the fact that Yahoo! directory team uses a more complex and time-intensive review process for sites offering adult content and/or services.

More time-intensive review process my ass. That's Yahoo-speak for "we're going to charge you extra because we suspect our employees will be waking off while performing reviews."

I could go on and on with shit like this, but it just gets more and more depressing. But, you might want to keep this kind of thing in mind the next time you think that sex toy looks overpriced.

I don't mind so much defending myself to the mud slinging of fundamentalist hypocrites and sanctimonious windbags. I can take on a Bible thumper any day of the week and twice on Sunday.

I do mind legislation that serves no purpose other than to bar consenting adults from engaging in whatever fucking activity they opt to engage in in the privacy of their own bedrooms, or an establishment that provides substitute places of privacy, or services to aid in such private activities.

I do mind being charged EXTRA for the exact same services offered to any other business. I expecially mind when the services are not the same, but far inferior, and I'm treated like dirt in the process.

I do mind my billing options for my business dwindling because Mastercard and Visa are looking to drive out independent sex service providers by refusing services to third party processors if they accept adult industry clients. I pay my cable bill with my Visa card and Comcast has adult movies for sale at all hours. And I'll bet you my chargeback rate is a hell of a lot lower than Comcast's.

I love being a phone sex operator. I love the freedom and flexibility I gained by going independent. I worked hard to accomplish all I've accomplished, and I've helped others along the way when I can.

The idea that I may one day in the not-too-distant future have to surrender what I've built and go back to putting on suits and sitting in board rooms makes me physically ill.

It's this kind of mood that makes me think I need a submissive slave grunt to smack around for a few hours.

But I'm not bitter.

/rant

Naughty Bits | Phone Sex | Poli-Sci by Doxy at 09:30 AM | permalink | talkback (1)

June 10, 2005

FizerPharm

There are bad dreams for those who sleep unwisely. ~ Bram Stoker

For my fellow brethren out there who consider themselves goth/sci-fi/horror geeks who love it when someone approaches the genre in a unique way, THIS Peter Watts offering is really a fun way to waste twenty minutes.

I'm not 100% sure what he's plotting to do with this savvy set-up but I'm tres interested in finding out. He's got my attention.

Blather d'Art by Doxy at 09:18 PM | permalink | talkback (1)

June 09, 2005

The Eyes Have It

You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus. ~ Mark Twain

If you ever want proof that:
1. Our brains are broken
2. Wasting time is fun

You need to check out 55 Optical Illusions & Visual Phenomena. The site is brain candy and it gives good explanations as to why you're seeing things that shouldn't be but are. If you're stubborn like me you'll waste the bulk of your time shouting "no way!" at the screen.

Also I need to know what it says about me that I find THIS vaguely dirty.

Yes. I'm the kind of geek those "magic eye" books were developed for.

Groovy | Inner Geek by Doxy at 05:33 PM | permalink | talkback (1)

Doxy's Way I: How To Get Started In Phone Sex

Natalie: You're not doing this right.
Jeremy: What the hell are we doing?
Natalie: Well I thought we were having phone sex, but I guess you just weren't interested.
Jeremy: We were having phone sex?
Natalie: Well not phone sex, but whatever. We were having sex.
Jeremy: I didn't even know.
Natalie: And frankly, it showed up in your performance.
Jeremy: I wasn't having sex.
Natalie: I know that, Jeremy, I was sitting here having sex all by myself.
Jeremy: You were having sex.
Natalie: Yes.
Jeremy: Well I think maybe you're not doin' it right.
Natalie: Call technical support.
~ Joshua Malina and Sabrina Lloyd from Sports Night (via Aaron "the man is a dialog god" Sorkin)

I get asked a lot of questions in the never-ending mill o' blather that is my daily in-box. By far the #1 email is generally some woman spilling to me her life story and ending by asking me how to "get started" in the phone sex business.

A while back I stopped answering these emails. There aren't enough hours in the day to answer all my mail, even if I wanted to. It would use me up. And I don't want to be used up. I want to still play silly video games, waste time with friends, get writing/other projects done and even post in message boards and/or communities if/when I feel inclined to do so without the crushing guilt of "I should really be answering email." I opted a while back not to become a slave to my inbox. Maybe it was a selfish and rude call, but I'm okay with that. It's the line I had to draw.

It is my hope that those people who don't get replies don't take it personally and understand that I'm a person with only so much time. If they don't understand that, well, there isn't much I can do about it.

That said, it's not that I don't care about these women. Many of them sound fabulous. They all have individual stories that continually touch me. Hardships and tough decisions, and a desire to change their lives for the better. If I could, I'd buy them all a Coke and keep them company.

So, in effort to not completely ignore these women, and to bridge the gap between me and those who pour their hearts out to me in what end up being one unanswered email after another, I'm going to try to dole out some info regarding "getting started" in this and (hopefully...maybe...please don't hold me to it...gulp) future entries.

A betting man would take the odds against my continuing this, but I'm going to try to stiff him with his ante.

This will likely be boring for many of you. You may want to skip to the next entry that features a scantily clad woman.

And -- just to be safe -- I'm adding one last caveat. This is MY advice and merely one opinion. Mine is hardly the only way. Take from it what you can use and be true to yourself and your goals. I'm not laying out a manifesto. I'm just sharing what I think will help, and expressing what I believe to be the right way.

Okay. Just so we're clear on that.

Still here?

Foolish mortal.

First things first. Before entering into a phone sex career, you really need to take personal stock and ask yourself the following:

1. Do I have a sensual voice, or a voice that fits a fetish?
If you don't, you'll have a hard time of it and you're better off working the counter at a local department store.

2. Can I check my moral judgment at the door?
This is one of the most difficult aspects of being a phone slut. What is sex-laced to your callers might be repulsive to you. Can you work beyond that and indulge your caller, even if you're horrified by their kink? If you're going to hold a ruler and play judge with people's sexual inclinations, you're lining up for the wrong gig. I'm not saying you can't have limits, but those limits need to include a healthy respect for the lizard that lives in the minds of all of us -- the primal sexuality id that wants to do dirty, filthy, wrong evil, often violent, generally immoral things. And you need to be able to identify and separate the guy who wants to rape a pre-teen girl in his lizard king fantasies from a criminal pathology that would commit such a thing in real life. If you're not able to see the distinction this job is going to cause you grief. It is my advice that if you are paranoia inclined or someone who sees the glass half-empty you'll be worrying and second guessing too much to enjoy your work and you'll be unhappy. You have to give people the benefit of the doubt (yes, even the ones that sound sick to you at first) and keep an open mind. Think about how much you'd hate to be judged for your own darkest secret. (Oh, if you don't have any dark secrets or thoughts, I also don't recommend this job -- it's out of your depth).

3. Am I able to separate business relationships from personal ones?
If you can't maintain limits between professional relationships and personal relationships, then you're going to get taken for a ride because a lot of today's phone sex callers are savvy guys who know how to manipulate what they want out of a girl. You need to be the one who sets limits. That's part of your job. You need to set a code in your head and stick to it. A guy that is trying to wheedle his way into your personal life needs to be firmly put in place -- even if it means losing his patronage. There are some girls who like to lead a guy on and make him feel like "more than a client" by inferring future meetings and promises of "someday." This is always going to end badly and the payday will not make up for how dirty you feel. I promise this you -- I can't count up to the number of times I've heard this story and it never has a happy ending. The voice on the other end of the line is a person and needs to be respected, but he is also a client and you are a professional and you need to establish the arm's length that this job demands. It's a tightrope.

4. Am I a "go out and get them" type, or a "let them come to me" type?
Some girls are comfortable with the hard sell and can promote themselves hardcore, others girls are more reserved. Both types can succeed in this business. Knowing your own ambition and/or drive is key. Knowing your strengths is mandatory. The answer to this question will largely determine what kind of service you'll end up working for.

5. Do I want this to be a career, or a job?
There is a big difference. If you're in this for the short haul (two years or less), then your goals and mindset should reflect that. If you plan on doing it a while, then your plan needs to be more long-term in nature and your goals tiered. If you're just looking for some fast cash for a few months, just go find something else to do.

6. Am I a sex-positive person who really will be comfortable talking to strangers about sex?
This may seem like a no-brainer for anyone contemplating work in this industry, but you'd be shocked at just how many people take up this job with the wrong mindset. Becoming a phone sex operator means you are choosing to become a sex industry worker. It means you should be sexually open-minded and inviting. It means you should be sex-curious and have sincere interest in the sexuality of others. It means you should should feel a sense of community with other sex workers (this does not exclude a sense of competition). You should like to watch, read, listen about, talk about, learn about, teach about sex. There are deep psychology factors at play in this industry, but they will never overshadow the fact that this gig is mostly about good ole ess-e-ex.

Now. All those questions are good to ask yourself. Knowing those answers will help you get your head in the right place. But if you're like most of us working this job, your definitions will change as time goes by. You'll get more jaded about some things and more mellow about others. You'll see from different perspectives. You'll get emotionally involved a time or two, even though you promised yourself you wouldn't. You're human. And this is a job where lines are written, erased, and redrawn in pencil. Permanent markers are hard to come by. Give yourself some slack and allow yourself a learning curve, but try your best to set your goals and stay on path and on target.

Keep a positive mindset, good momentum, a respect for karma (because my lovelies, it WILL come around) and a "do no harm" mantra and this job will treat you well. Respect it and always remember that losing respect for the gig is the first sign that you may be losing respect for yourself. And that's a big, honking warning sign.

Okay, enough editorializing and maiden mother crone bullshit wisdom.

Let's assume your head is in the right place. On to step two.

Practice.

Even before applying for a job you need to get some practice ON STRANGERS. It doesn't have to be a lot. Maybe five or six calls. Find a place online -- some online dating service is ideal. Try to AVOID the big ones -- craigslist, AOL chat rooms etc (more on why below). Find a nice little singles niche where you can drop an anonymous ad saying that you're looking to take a phone sex test drive on a few willing males. Trust me, you'll get more than a fair share of interest. This will not be a true test, because these men will not have the mindset of paying customers, but it will help you get your feet wet.

While indulging this experiment, keep in mind the following:
A. DO NOT advertise freebies in a place where you see other girls/services advertising paid services. You don't want to inadvertently make enemies. Seriously.
B. Protect your identity and keep the interactions completely anonymous. Remember that learning this is part of the goal. If you're unable to keep the pretend client at arm's length, you've failed one important part of this self-test.
C. Make sure YOU call them. If you don't have a flat-rate long distance service, then get one. Block your outgoing Caller ID on these calls (*67 before you dial in most areas) and don't call any guy on a toll-free line (toll free lines get Caller ID regardless of if you try and block or not because they're paying for the call). I'd use a calling card if there's any chance the calls will be local.
D. Try to make the experience as much like a paid call as possible. Set a time limit for yourself (10 minutes is a good rule of thumb) and see if you can work him up to orgasm in that amount of time. Also see if you're able to gracefully disengage at the proper time limit.
E. Practice casual chit-chat. This is harder than you think. Many guys when placed in an overtly sexual position suffer from "Uh, I don't know" syndrome. Learn how to probe them for what gets them off, while still remaining friendly and alluring -- sounding clinical only works for guys of a particular fetish. You need to feel natural talking about sex with strangers.
F. Make it clear in your ad that you're looking for a brief sex session only. Think how much you'd hate to feel fooled/used by someone in the reverse of the situation. It's never too early to start practicing good ethics, and just because it's anonymous doesn't mean it should be negative for either party.

Once you've built up a comfort zone for yourself and feel you're ready to go to the next level, you need to consider what kind of service you'd like to work for. Your options break down roughly to:

1. High Volume Dispatch.
This is the Phone Sex equal of a sweat shop. The pay is low, the hours are long, and the demands are high. Often you're answering one two-minute call after another. Your pay rates are generally variable based on how long you keep guys on the line. Because of this, there are many unethical companies who force hang ups to bring down your call times so that they don't have to pay you at a higher rate. You may or may not be able to take requests which means that guys could be calling over and over and hanging up trying to get the girl they want and those hang-ups will count against your call times. The service may require you to work long hours and may expect to be able to call you even if you're not logged in. This is trial by fire and while most ops cannot keep up this type of pace for the long haul, it's good (if often ugly) field experience. You'll take a lot of different types of calls over a short amount of time. You'll make roughly the same amount each week and be able to depend on your paycheck (assuming you choose a reputable company). You won't have time to dwell on one bad call that might have gone better. Your pay will likely be as low as $100-$200/week for someone who puts in the minimum time/effort to $500-$1000/week for someone who is ceaselessly logged in at all hours they're awake. These types of companies experience high roll-over rates and will generally hire anyone. Be warned, however that they also are often the type of service that advertises low prices and folds quick and you might get stiffed on pay. Always search around the message boards and do a Whois/Google/whatever search for company information.

2. Low/Mid Volume Dispatch.
These are the services I opted to work for almost the entire duration of my career before going independent. With these services you have a much more sporadic incoming call rate. You can take three calls an hour, or one every three hours. You might talk for 20 minutes one shift and 5 hours straight the next shift. Your pay rate will fluctuate, but generally will remain within a stable range once you hit your stride and build up a client base. I found that working for more than one of these services at a time was the way to go -- if you could get them to hire you. Many services are wary of girls who work for multiple companies and they'll want to see something positive out of you quick. It's good to have some experience under your belt before moving to these types of services. You'll be expected to generate requests from their client bases. You'll be expected to follow protocols with little drama and keep your schedule like a professional. There are a lot of girls who like to work this method, so if you're going to flake off, they'll replace you and if you're more trouble than you're worth, they'll replace you. I found it best to work long enough for one company and then talk to the owner and tell her you'd like to be logged in with one or two other companies at the same time. Most owners who run these types of services are understanding so long as you've proved yourself trustworthy and professional. They'll know they can count on you to give their service your equal effort as you will the others. If the owner isn't open to this, then you may need to move elsewhere if you're not making what you want to be making. It's very difficult to make a high amount of money working a single low/mid volume dispatch company. You can generally expect to make $300 - $800/week depending on their seasonal call volumes and how many hours you make yourself available.

3. Combination Service.
This is the kind of service that will expect you to troll/self-market to bring in your own clients as well as provide you with callers from their stock sites/advertising. I don't recommend starting with a trolling service unless (1) you've got a very outgoing personality and don't mind fishing for clients, or (2) they offer extensive training. Even still, you need to be an ace to survive in a trolling environment. You can expect to make between $300 to $1500 per week working for this kind of service. The low end is still hard work with potential long hours, and the high end is for top-of-the-line girls who are aggressive self-marketers.

4. Straight trolling.
So here's my take on trolling; I don't get it. It's not that it's wrong, it's just that I don't understand why girls opt to do this for certain companies. To my thinking, if I'm hanging out in a room for hours hooking my clients, then those are MY clients, not the service's clients. If I'm processing billing and self-marketing and working the line, and all a service is offering me is an occasional character on a website and a billing method -- then why am I "working" for them? I would ask some serious questions before working for a trolling service. Does your client base belong to you or the company in their mind? What marketing help / benefits do they offer? The women who troll are a breed different from those that work dispatch and I don't think we will ever completely understand each other. But if this type of service gels for you, then the odds are you'll do just fine when you want to move on to taking yourself independent. I've never worked trolling, but it is my understanding that your income level ranges from $400 to $1500 per week.

Please note that $1500 per week is NOT an average salary. That's the income level for a woman who sleeps, eats, lives phone sex and has kept up that pace for quite some time (logging in over 100 per week for at least a few months running). It means you've been online and available and clients are used to being able to contact you at all hours. It means you're GOOD at the job and at servicing a wide range of fetishes. It means you likely don't have a social life, a family to care for, plants that need a lot of watering, or an inner child to cry at you. I've never heard of a woman who works this pace for more than a few months without being slightly mental.

As a beginner you can reasonably expect to make $150 to $200 per week. As you build up your client base and get into the groove, you can expect an average of $300 to $600 per week as an good average where you still have a life and $600 to $800 as a super week with some extra good clients.

The get-rick-quick-for-barely-working days of phone sex are over. You missed them. If you're interested, they ended about the time Clinton took office and Al Gore starting claiming to invent the internet. In today's market you will work for your money and you will devote time and effort to it, or you won't earn. And if you don't put your taxes aside properly, you're going to end up with a very unhappy April surprise.

Okay. You've got to be exhausted with reading. I'm certainly done writing for the moment.

If I ever decide to delve into this stuff again...

Our Next Topic Will Be:
Deciding when/if to go independent.
(Wherein we discuss Niteflirt, ethical transitions, personal web sites, billing problems, our deep loathing for PayPal, advertising wastelands, and the difference between wanting to just simply work a job and becoming a smart business woman in today's deeply competitive phone sex industry).

Phone Sex by Doxy at 03:54 AM | permalink | talkback (2)

June 08, 2005

Winnie the Hunny

When you're a little kid you're a bit of everything -- scientist, philosopher, artist. Sometimes it seems like growing up is giving these things up one at a time. ~ Daniel Stern as "The Narrator" (via Neal Marlens & Carol Black)

One Danica is never enough.

On the heels of my entry regarding the lovely speed-demoness Danica Patrick, I was also recently reminded of another Danica.

Most of us recall Danica McKellar as the adorable (if high-maintenance) Winnie on The Wonder Years. Your memory of her perhaps is much like the one I had up until recently. That snapshot in your mind's eye probably looks a bit like this:

I was aware she had grown up not too long ago because she had a stint as a background character (Will's sassy little sister) on The West Wing in season four. I recall thinking "Hey, that's Winnie -- and she grew up cute."

I had NO idea.

Cut to a few days ago when I innocently stumbled upon (by way of a friend's link) Don't Link This Dot Com which is a bad, bad site that none of us should enjoy. It is an inexcusable exercise in drooling over the stupid spoiled whores that comprise today's teen girl pop icons. You know the ones we sit in front of our computer screens shaking our heads at while thinking "that's terrible, a girl her age shouldn't be wearing that..." while we mentally conjure all the debase thoughts their exposed navels are intended to inspire.

Yes. It's the kind of site that had a countdown to when the Olsen twins became legal and features headlines like "Lohan Braless."

Don't you DARE click there before I finish my entry. You surfing slut.

Anyway, you know, *sigh* I'm only human. And you'll never guess what I found there.

Meet the all growd up Danica McKellar.

Just think -- all this time we've been making fun of Fred Savage while the poor guy must still be suffering from the mother of all blue balls.

Props to Bri

Naughty Bits by Doxy at 12:54 AM | permalink | talkback (2)

June 04, 2005

Venture Bros.

In 1969 the Guild of Calamitous Intent enacted an addendum to article 47 of the Unusual Torture Act. So let's cut the monkey business! ~ James Urbaniak as Dr. Thaddius S. "Rusty" Venture (via Doc Hammer)

If you haven't been watching the Venture Bros. you have to start. Now. I'm serious. Get off your bum, pick up the TiVo remote (or cheesy cable DVR remote) and set a record command for it. If you don't have TiVo...well, then you have to make arrangements to tape it on one of those old fashioned VCR things -- Monday nights at 1:00am on Cartoon Network. Go on. Get to it.

Oh come on. Faster. Scroll to "V" then click over to the "E" and it'll pop up. No, not Vegas Vacation, keep going. THERE! Venture Bros. Now click it! Set it. Done.

Okay. All finished? Hmmm. I don't quite trust you. You're not going to take my word, are you? Fine *sigh*. I'll woo you. You're always so difficult.

Where to start? Venture Bros. is, on its most basic level, a parody of the old Jonny Quest cartoons. But where many cartoon parodies would stall because they're doomed and confined to the limits of their source, Team Venture has developed characterizations and story lines that give it real comedy and surprising depth. The all-around scope of the writing is wickedly funny. If you remember the old JQ cartoons you'll get a kick out of some of the throwback humor, but there's also a rainbow of flavors of pop culture reference jokes ala MST3K and the plots lend to situations and dialog that are just plain boffo. There's action. There's mocking. There's sarcasm. There's more mocking -- and then things blow up. It's rock 'em, sock 'em robot, snort-Pepsi-through-your-nose hilarity.

Still not convinced? Fine. Here's a character run down:

Characters:

Dr. Thaddeus "Rusty" Venture
The son and heir of Dr. Jonas Venture, "Rusty" is a middle-aged former boy genius who almost was but never quite got there. He continues to trudge on in the shadow of his father's legacy, trying desperately to make his own mark and failing pathetically. He suffers from Freudian delusions and nightmares about consuming another being in his mother's womb, resulting in a pill addition among other personal crutches. He is alternately confused and repulsed by his throwback Stepford twin sons and carries with him a sense of disdain toward the world at large.

Money quote: "One of them was dressed like a cheerleader and said she was 19 but she had a Cesarean scar and her face had more lines on it then a mirror at Studio 54."

Brock Samson
Dr. Venture's bodyguard, ex-football hero, super secret agent man, and one hunka hunka burnin' studmuffin. Cooler than Steve McQueen, tougher than Clint Eastwood, and sexier than Harrison Ford. He's Han Solo meets Wolverine meets Batman. Voiced by the unbearably adorable Patrick Warburton. Oh, and Brock drives a '69 Charger. Very. Wet. Panties.

Money quote: "I left the number of the national guard on the fridge. You'll be fine."

Hank Venture
The more bold of Dr. Venture's twin sons. A blonde kid with a pug nose who is slightly more aware than his clueless brother. Never the sharpest knife in the drawer, but what he lacks in...well, most things, he makes up for with gung-ho enthusiasm.

Money quote: "Dad! We knew you wouldn't let us down. It's just in a nick of time, too. The Monarch was getting all 'creepy uncle' on us."

Dean Venture
The innocent, freckle-faced more clueless half of the "Go Team Venture" twins. A missing link from Brady Bunch Land with ADD who can't help crushing on the cute little goth girl next door. He believes that every time you curse, a baby angel dies.

Money quote: "Hank, we're not just any poor suckers, we're the Venture brothers. Our dad's a super genius, with, like, chemistry stuff. He can fix this no prob."

H.E.L.P.eR.
The robotic servant and pet of the Venture clan; their mechanical Bandit. He showers his human family with unconditional love and loyalty. He has an inclination to munch on test tubes, although it sometimes results in robot indigestion.

Money quote: "Bleep. Bleep bleep. Bleep."

Dr. Jonas Venture (deceased)
Head of the original Team Venture; man among men, genius among geniuses. Adventurer, hero and one helluva guy. The ultimate icon of everything smart and macho that no son could ever live up to. Not that "Rusty" has ever come close. Jonas founded Venture Industries which his son now mismanages.

Money quote: "Ground control to Major Tom! Your circuit's dead! There's something wrong!"

Dr. Byron Orpheus
Next door neighbor of the Venture clan. An over protective single dad and "necromancer" who yearns for an arch nemesis of his very own.

Money quote: "How sweet, a bible! Well if you don't mind sir, I have a book of my own for this little ritual. Keep your fingers clear of it's mouth, he's a nibbler!"

Triana "Pumpkin" Orpheus
The delish little purple-haired goth girl who lives next-door to the Venture Compound with her overprotective Dad, Dr. Orpheus.

Money quote: "Look at these things! Giant grandma thunderpants. Don't they rule?"

The Monarch
A super villain who thinks of himself as Dr. Venture's arch-nemesis. He patterns himself after the monarch butterfly because he thinks it's cool (and because a bunch of monarch butterflies "raised him" after the tragic childhood accident that robbed him of his parents). Delightfully sarcastic if utterly pathetic. It's a mystery how he ever made time with Dr. Girlfriend.

Money quote: "I know your type. You think 'I'll just get me a costume; rip off the neighborhood kids.' Next thing you know you've got a jet shaped like a skull with lasers on the front."

Dr. Girlfriend
Former femme fatale extraordinaire and recent sidekick / love interest to the Monarch. A hottie that dresses like Jackie-O in miniskirts, and although she sounds like Harvey Fierstein, she's still sex on a stick.

Money quote: "I guess the muscular one is all right, but the boy is just going too far. Can't we just use the puppet again?"

Baron Verner Underbheit
Metal-jawed bad guy with enough attitude for ten Ahrnold-archetypes. There is some confusion over whether he is the actual arch-nemesis of Dr. Venture.

Money quote: "You've succeeded in exposing my sinister plan to lock myself in a dungeon chained to an albino!"

Molotov Cocktease
The scantily clad ex-Cold War Yin to Brock Samson's Yang. She's a hot slice of tail in barely clinging vinyl but she can only go to second base -- which means she may be the only woman to appear in the series that Brock hasn't nailed.

Money quote: "Promise me you won't be gentle."

Gentle readers, if you've ever taken my word on anything, do so now. This show is simply the funniest fucking animated fare on television today.

Blather d'Art by Doxy at 05:31 AM | permalink | talkback (1)

June 03, 2005

The Art of One Hand Driving

Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves. ~ Albert Einstein

I love this bumpersticker:

If my callers are any sort of yard stick, they're definately having the phone sex.

And they're on the dope.

Mirth | Phone Sex by Doxy at 05:02 AM | permalink | talkback (1)

June 01, 2005

Zoey & Her Shiny Bottom

There must be quite a few things that a hot bath won't cure, but I don't know many of them. ~ Sylvia Plath

I want to do very naughty things to her bottom. Don't you?

Naughty Bits by Doxy at 08:10 PM | permalink | talkback (3)